BACK TO 25/6/2010 AND ALL IS OVER

merry christmas everyone.
what i was happened today is out of what i can expected.
its more worse to spend myself for this lonely christmas.
what i was fear had happened.
friend said, he with a girl now.
my heart was like broke into half.
its feeling aching again.
i thought our love is true,
and its hard for us to forget.
my thought is really wrong.
so fast,
you can find a new one.
all the phrases :
"i love you baby joey"
"i miss you"
"i wont leave you"
are just a lie.
its true that your friend said that neither you nor your friends will care about me.
i dont mind your friends' influencing issue
what i am care about is ur issue.
25/6/2010
our memories is still very clear in my mind.
i used to mark everyday in our calendar.
i just wonder,
how could u so easily forgotten all the things that we experienced.
and moved on with another girl.
the excuses you told me, you want to be single.
LIAR
i met you in cafeteria and the feeling of our first meeting with you is still fresh.
we love in first sight.
for you, i gave up sunny boy.
a great future for me.
the first time we touch,hug or kiss i still remember.
the first time of the movie-toy story3
the first date at ghany.
the first drama we watched together-tvb drama
both of us in love so fast,
no longer,
we were love to spend our time together every minutes and second
the time we walked back from bash party,
the environment is too romance for us.
u holding my hand and said "i love you joey"
i am totally so into it.
the jokes we talked.
the first argument-i walked away and when the time you get back home, that is the first time i see you punch the wall. and then you told me, you cant lose me and pls me to forgive you. afterwards you promised me you will changed ur behavior.
the most touched sms-you sent me a general report.inside there you stated that you proud of yourself cause not getting 0 for maths quiz. you knew i am clever and you promised me to study hard.
the first time we cried together-that time i was disappointed of myself cause i think that i am not good for you. and you told me that your sis doesnt like me.but you were not willing to let me go. both of us hugging each other and cried.
the first time we broke up-i was ready to take bus back to ipoh and we argued. i requested to break up. and when the time im back to kampar, my heart turning back to you as i want to appreciate you.
the time we officially broke up-we shouted at each other. i packed everything and back to my house. and you never stopped that.

after that, many sad things had happened. yes, i admitted i used wrong way to chase you back.
i threaten you.
i was so regret after that.
its happened.
and i know nothing can get you back again,
after semester2 started,
u treated me like a strangers.
ignored me.
until few days ago,
i only know that you are influenced by your best friend.
your friend dislike me.
they dont know me but you do.
i changed to be a good girl cause of you.
i really thanks for all the things that you had done for me.
the morning school ride, and pampers.
you were my boyfriend that i ever loved.
you are just too perfect for me.
and everything is happened just like a dream.
a very good dream that i dont wish to get up for the entire of my life.

and today they told me you have girlfriend,
i wish to go under the rain and stand until i get all wet at that moment.
i am tired already.
for being a joke to some of your friend
and loving you.
i burned and deleted all the photo.
i also removed your friend.
i wish my life will be better without you.
i dont know what i can react when i see you with your girlfriend.
but im sure after this i really will get to move on for my life.
happy with your own life and mine too.
turned back to the strangers that we dont know each other like before.
seriously ,i love you. ling shih jie.
thats the end. all the fifth month memories.
will be buried here forever.

12/12/2010

finally, i finished watch 义海厚情
for so long, i couldnt watch this drama cause im busy XD
i learned something from this drama.
hmmm.
their love is so 伟大.
but of course i know,
it is just a acting drama.
yet,
it let me know that,
love someone doesnt means that both needed to be together
love someone can be ten months or few years
the person that you love maybe will gone
but the memories already is forever in you.
so,
no matter it is one day or two months,
the memories we had together is already forever.
we love each other with our true heart and thats enough.
no regret.
therefore,
loving somebody doesn't means had to be together.
wait the time becomes mature
and it will be the time you can live with your partner for forever.

30/11/2010

i noticed that my mgs gang never concerned for my birthday.
why my birthday always seemed to be ignore by them?
i dont know lo.
when there is a birthday among them,
what they do,
i will participate in.
they always planning for it.
but not for my birthday.
two years ady.
its still the same.
i thought last year we never really celebrate because of spm.
quite disappointed.
they never seemed want to celebrate with me.
not even earlier.
sigh.
friends are always like that.
learned to it.
i dont wanna talk about it anymore,
one time and again.
few times dee la.
i am excluded from that gang.
what i need to do is study,
get my scholarship and gone.

24/11/2010

if we were not broken up,
this is the fifth month that we are together.
its already been half year,
at kampar.
in the beginning,
i thought,
i could build up a new life here.
eventually,
it's the same.
fed up.
who want to emo?
if i were happy with my life,
and it is satisfied,
why should i emo now?
the loneliness of my heart, the emptiness
makes me hard to move on,
every step that i taking now,
is much heavier.
the burden that im carrying now,
u all wouldnt know.
different people different life. thats it.
when every time i think about my birthday,
dont know why,
it seemed bad for me.
i am so scared,
the disappointment,
maybe i cant gone through it.
how?
there are always a lots of unfortunate things happened to me.
well,
i have nothing to say anymore...

NOVEMBER

this few month,
i feel so depressed.
i lost my boyfriend and best friend.
am i really so suck?
i wanna cry all the time.
so bad luck.
how can i move on?
i dont know what can i do for the next moment.
can i just stay inside my dream forever?
i am really weak.
i am so excited for my birthday party.
but it just seems like a disappointment for me.
many people are not attending.
all said maybe got something to do.
is it?
i feel like wanna canceled it.
i dont want to feel the disappointment.
i am so scared.
being tough not easy
it needs much effort and strength.
what my best friend told me was hurts.
i cried,
so, what she care now?
she changed and she blame on me.
i apologized.
so?
we are not going back to the moment that we laughed together.
hoping my days will going to be better.
but im so tired already.
no one will cares, no one....

14/11/2010

oh.
need to countdown my birthday dee.
HAHA.
today whole day i were staying at sakai house after i woke up.
my room full of loneliness arrr.
only at sakai house i dont have any memories.
im happy here,
with sakai, chanel and sometimes whitney too.
seriously im addicted to the movie vampire diaries <333
the movie is awesome.
haha.
today im done the stick stick wall thing in their room.
lol. kinda nice.
but expensive lea.
3o bucks wo.
HAHA. chanel took it for free la.
now sakai is cooking.
hungryyyy. chiao~

Just a Dream - Nelly..With lyrics

DREAM

i had a dream last night.
i had been woke up few times but i dreamed the same dream.
we were together back in my dream,
i was so happy,
he hugged me and said that he loves me.
but it just a dream.
when i woke up,
i need to face the reality again.
so cruel.
i wish i am never woke up for the dream.

IS THIS MY SICKNESS?

i think i need some medicine.
i should buy any sleeping pills?
i am sick.
heart aching, insomnia, illusion.
when can i recover?
why supposed all the people think about me is a playgirl that not easily get hurt.
i got through everything.
SO?
this time i really cant.
who can understand me?
who truly care me?
i really dont know.
i had lost myself.
i am getting crazy of this.
i want to leave my life now!

4/11/2010

oh. today i went to participate utar model search.
and guess what?
it's suck!
im look like a fat girl in the pic.
stupid photographer. dont know how to take the angle.
ARGHHH.
most probably i wont get to in for that event.
im just ugly. erk.
HAHA. never mind. idk
sigh.
im just failed in everything.
dont want to think too much. move on :)

1/11/2010

first day of november
i went to jogging today
long time didnt go
and today i am quite tired.
my life filled with activities.
i want to train six pax.
and all my friend looking down on me.
they say whenever i got the result,
i get the things i want.
need to be hardworking on it. LOL
hmmm.
i took bicycle at his house just now.
i thought he will cleaned up the bike for me.
i knocked the window.
he opened and the voice sounds like beh song.
sigh.
what i have to do?
pretend lor
pretend that i am nothing
sigh

RAIN

i just finished cycle with chanel and kar fei.
we talked about HIM again.
its raining now.
and i started to missing him again.
sleep time.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

am i a irritate person?
am i irritating to him now?
i really want to know.
there are so many question on my mind.
who can really answer it all?
only YOU.
today i passed by MPH bookstore and i felt like wanna to study bible.
almost a lots of things he influenced me.
he affects my life.
what he love,
now i really love.
MU, Jesus, lee hom, and many more.
finding a partner that could matched up our life is hard.
i found one.
and its hard for me to let go.
i want to cherish it.
i want happiness.
i am always wondering,
'what is he doing now?'
'what he is thinking now?'
'does he facing any problem now?'
maybe as my friend said,
i am too irritating,
thats why he keep wants to ignore me.
sigh.
wiping tears everyday.
my tears become cheap cheap dee.
i also dont want.
it comes out easily.
malfunction perhaps?
LOL. ridiculous lar.
today i stopped by petrol station.
guess what?
it reminds me the most funny memories.
he poured petrol on my legs.
my legs felt cold and i scared i will get burned.
and after that he told me
"our fate is so funny"
i remembered every words he had said.
i think, he is the most regretful person for me.
i dont believe in guys and love anymore.
every words of commitment is just temporarily.
any second,
they can kick your ass off.
single,is the only way i can do.

LIE

i told him a lie.
the regretful lie i ever tell to anyone.
is this a right decision i had made?
i told him i am couple with someone already.
maybe this will be a good lie?
the burden of this is very heavy.
i cant manage to carry it and walk through my pathway anymore.
i am so foolish.
i should put it down and turn away.
never looked back.
its already happened and make it pass.
this is the only way i could pursued myself.
continue my meaningless life without thinking him anymore
perhaps, i can do it.
sigh.
i need to study harder.
get my scholarship and leave here.
so that i can choose whether to stay or leave.
another is opened for me,
maybe i shall turn around from that closed door and step in to the opened one.
awaiting for my birthday <3
i need SUPRISEDDDDD.
and hoping a romantic tackle from anyone?

27/10/2010

my heart still aching.
i dont know why.
i am trying so hard.
however, when the time i being alone,
i think of him again.
arghh.
please made me forget him.
i am suffering.
i am tired of struggling around.
tomorrow i will be seeing him.
maybe.
i done a good job.
cause i never text him for this few days.
hope i can controlled myself.
joey wan kah yan.
what are you doing.
the one before you are very strong one.
why?
arghh. whateva.

FINALLY

two days ago, i am still crazy about wanting him back.
i went out with my friend, Kent.
he told me something that's really change my mind.
before that, no one is telling about his situation and how is he feel now.
he feel stress to be with me.
because of my immature,
i ruined this relation.
but its not my fault also.
i fall to much into this love.
i am underestimated about the power of this love.
finally i am understood.
maybe letting him go,
is a good idea.
no more burden for me and him.
the sky and the world is so big.
what i have is time.
its really need to take time to let everything off of me.
i decided to transfer to kl if i still cant forget him within half year.
means after my foundation.
this environment makes me sad almost everyday.
i had promised myself.
i wont sending any messages to him anymore.
thats only thing i can do now.


long time didnt update my blog.
this blog contained my love story.
everytimes i got anything unhappy things to say,
i will written here.
i learned how to play snooker.
i met new friends too.
i am growing up and being independent.
hope the time will pass fast.
i should study hard too.
here is a video that i made for him.
the memories i never had.
he teaches me many things.
i will never forgot.
i will always love him,
if really one day he comes back,
i will always be there.

CONFUSED

sometimes,i see the world and i thought i can use my effort to forget you. however, it is not what i am expected. your power in me is absolutely over controlled myself. when the time i was walking back from utar to westlake, the environment there is so beautiful. the beauty of the mother earth let me realized that the world won't stop rounding or goes for you. the memories won't stop reminding me of your pampers,the way u treat me and YES. I AM selfish. i don't hope to let any of this you used to treat me will be using on another girl. "i hope that you will be happy with your life". OH. it sounds sarcastic nor dramatic neither. seriously, that will be a lie. actually, from my deepest of my heart, i hope you will be suffering all alone without me and won't be happy for the rest of your days. MUAHAHAHAHA. yes. i am bad. but i know, i wouldn't say like this cause it will destroyed my images if i say so. NO la. because i am kind gea. HAHA. now, lets talk about my friendship.

what's a full definition for the word "FRIEND"?
this question has been also annoying me for quite long. i didn't really try to say out my feeling as i don't want any misunderstanding from any of my friend. i see disappointed in this friendship. perhaps, i am too emotional. where is them when i need them? i do standby here for them, but they never think of me. i am sad. i don't know what to do with my life anymore. it is meaningless and i don't know what's i am going to work hard to achieve nothing. i am following the path that my mummy had set on me. i am not happy with me life now.

I KNOW IS MY MISTAKE

i know i done something wrong. i didnt meant to hurt you.before this i really loved you. no lie. Im sorry. that night i am not purposely sleep and ignored you. i really tired on that night and my behavior is like that. i dont know that will hurts you and made you think so much. i know that i am not supposed to holding you again. but i just wanted it to be better. we can be each other best friend. i just dont want to lose you sunny boy. you are really important to me. im sorry. now, nothing can fix in this relation. you are escaping. nothing i could do.

NEVER KNEW THE PAIN BEFORE YOU FALL DOWN

yea. im really a failure in love. a relationship. every times i cannot handle either any of that.i thought you will changed for me after all this things had happened. but. that even worst. i felt strange in you. you never treat me like before again. you dont love me anymore. now, you are just taking your responsibility as a boy friend and no love in it.everything seems like i am the one who forcing you to do all this things for me and love me too. finally, u took off your necklace. i cant believe it. i crying in the room and you just pretending nothing and continue your games. i know, everything cant go back we used to be already. no u-turn. all over. it;s over. i think when everything settle then i wont find him again. continue with my life. move on girl.u still young and u can find one who really match you. however, these philosophy i heard thousand times and yet, i still will hurt, cry and sad.concentrate on study. that's my responsibility as a student and mummy's daughter=) better day tomorrow.(hope so)

BIG SIGH

i was wondering. what life am i having now? good or bad? university life is harder than what i expected to be. every times i stalked people profile,those whom getting a new life here, i felt a little bit depressed. Because I'm envy that other people can get a better life than me. Their university life is interested. Can i involve in there? am i a kind of weird person? i always do think about that. my class, that gang seems very happy together. But me? alone? no friend? HEY! where is my gang? my gang can be known as weird gang. i think. my gang members not really like to chat with other people. i don't want to be like that. i very hope that next semester, i can have a better group of friends. Now, my life, only for my boy friend. LOL. no need gua. That's why i decided to stay back my room at 1219. As the longer time we face each other, the more chances to create arguments. AND. i had just finished argue with him. Why don't he care me a little bit more? We both have the same temper. That is BAD TEMPER. For him, i changed a lot. But can he change a bit? He is caring, he is good. At first, i think that he is perfect to me. i know. Nothing is perfect anyway. I only got a small little request. Anyway, it is a small test to me. i want he prove that he loves me and he will do everything for me. I want pull his underwear up at public ONLY. If this is the only way you can make me happy, why can't you just let me do it. I understand. It's kinda silly. But this can prove that you love me. DUH. i don't want to think much. i missed my old memories during form 4 and 5. never forget it. It's already midnight. I don't wish to skip any more class.so, gonna sleep and study well for my final test. JIA YOU!

I AM A COOL PERSON?

Do you all think that i am a cool person? i meant, am i a quiet and unfriendly person?
i do think so. i entered my first year foundation in UTAR. of course, the first time i went into the class, i nervous like hell. don't know why.i can't really getting a new friend by myself. Only when a people come and introduce himself or herself to me. The result, almost all my friend in utar are boys. hmm. girls? i know few. but the closest are sherry and my best friends(ex schoolmates). there is many assignments need to do..ARGHHHH!! that's why im too busy to write my blog. sometimes, i got a little bit of temptation to write my blog.then? ends up with facebook. LOL. sigh. i think im not friendly lo. im done with few survey.FIRST SIGHT OF ME. my friend says, i am cool but after know me, i am friendly=)hahaha. i think everything depends on fate. i do believe in fate.you and me and everybody, we met, be friend, is a fate. A DESTINY. there are so many exams in utar. sigh. now, one thing makes me worry. my attendance. sigh. skipped my tutorial general maths class the THIRD times. and my boyfriend seems like cant get a mc for me. GOSH. if i get barred,i will really upset and depress. My boyfriend? haha. his name is LING SHIH JIE. in love with him by first sight. he treated me very good. and he is quite handsome. but, BAD TEMPERED. same with me.that's why when we argue, war started. hope that i can make him to be mine. always=) need to do revision.

TRUTH

i think myself is a very stupid ppl.why i have such a foolish thinking.everytimes i trust him.i belive every single thing that he told me.i really belive that. yesterday.got ppl tell me again.something that broken hearted.mr.D got feeling on that girl.what de.could u feel what i felt that time?its really fed up.my friend still said.sat night he fetched her back.they kissed in the car and hugged.the moment he disappear from my sight.i got asked him where have he been.he said.ZERO DEGREE.what a good lier.he got come find me after club.cause i requested.he didnt reject.owh.that time my fren also said he dinner with her.i straight call him.he answered.i asked him.where is him and who's with him now.at first he says with fren and changed topic.finally.i asked.is it that girl?he admitted.i hang up the phone and thrown on bed.then.my fren took me went to tesco and cheered me up.thanks my fren.especially jing.she is my buddy that i ever had.same too sakai and chanel too.included wayne gua.i angry.because i care.i love him.why he dont even want to explain to me?i dont think its take much time for an explanation.i have the right to know that too.i told sunny about mr.D.sunny said he already knew it since the first time he date with me.from the face expression.everytimes.msgs made me emotional.what i can say is.IM SORRY.i dont meant to hurt sunny.i do love sunny.but not as deeper as him.i need to give up him already.both.i chosen to give up.single for a moment.let the time pass and everythings will get to be normal back.now.the most important thing is study.i cant disappoint my mummy.this weekend,i will be working at jusco for promoter carlsberg.part time for one month.no money.so need to work.i have no potential for my study.so,i need to work thrice hard to achieve.especially my critical thinking.love stuff just dump aside.i wont care it for now.maybe.but i will do my best not to think that.all i want just a person that i love the most and he suit me somemore care me.not much.a simple guy i also cant get.why?i cant wondering again.i met some new fren in my class.hmm.my assignment group members.assignment are too hard for me.under estimated.LOL.sigh.gonna die soon.update my blog next time.time to study=)and today i will be sleeping early.cause tomoro got class at 8 and i am lacked of sleep.

REUNION

5th JUN2010.that night my ex school mates reunion at dong kui.haha.and some rojak fren.at first we all went to K-TEN for dinner.and then.hahaha.go fok sing sit and ordered 6 bottle of carlsberg.big one la.all share money.cheap cheap.then got free gifts.six packs of cigREttes and two lighter.hoho.but the cigarette left two packs for me and jing only.LOL.at last.still got where to go lea?club la of course.hoho.happy la wey.long time didnt club with them.all crazy like hell especially our malay girl.CASANDRA.stand on the barroom bar table.followed by me.=D
hmm.my relation with new mr.D become normal back.like last time.sweet enough for me.that night he said fetch me back then ends up his bro fetched me home.LOL.anyway.after that he still got accompany me till he sleepy.he is the one who make my anger bigger and my laughter bigger.his little care already makes me happy=) but.he dont give me call him dear any more.i was thinking what i meant to him? a simple fren or close fren?i dont even know.i dont wanna ask.cause i dont want any problem created between me and him.anymore.no more.i feel coldness from him.i dont know.i dont want to think.letting go.as much as good.i am just a stupid girl who hurted in love

DE NEST

aiks.today went to kopitiam and reunion with my buddy'moon'.then went to yeolde english with amy,yong,brian, and boo.i ordered an egg sandwich.and its taste like shit.ewwww.while im eating.i look back and thats him!gosh.no appetite lor.then he went away.brian called him and he asked brian to club at de nest.at first he ask brian whether i got go or not.brian say no.arghh.he dont wish me to go huh???we all decided to go de nest then.luckily my jing at there with last time clubbing fren.owh.such a awfuul night.ken seng there.we stand there with amy,jing,wayne,brian,yong,him and envy ooi.kan seng come and wayne pushed me to hug him.oOo.i dint wish to.wayne daring me to hug me but no.i given a reason that i dont wanna be soooooo cheap so i dint go hug him.wayne says im scared.i admitted.i know.wayne just want me to give him see that got ppl hug me and make him jealous.but.will him?i dont think so.then he dance tecktonic.hmm..VERY YENG!!im not the only one who said that.same to amy and jing too.thats is one of the reason why i love him so much.just now.the feelings comes again.arghh.ken seng kept on hugging me and i feel shit!!!!!i hate it lo.fuck off la.that stupid wayne la.ask him hug me for what??no more water jo.give that ken took all away.ish.sigh.misssss himm alotsssss.fan jin.they thought im a person that easy to love someone.means.PLAYGIRL.hey.they dont know what happened.never mind.im choosing the one who love me the most is it more worth than choosing who i love the most?i dont know.anyway.now.im not the one who consider to choose who again.as he is gone.confused

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMY

today is my buddy birthday. amy yap siew theng..whee~~anyway.i dont think she had a good celebration for her birthday this year.sigh.i know one.so tonight gonna buy her a birthday cake.hahaha.hope she will be happy a bit.althought me and amy just close not long ago.she is a nice person.can mix one.hmmm..something weird happen.he cant get off of my mind.im an useless person.trying to forget him.need a lots of time.while with my sunny boy.i cant stop thinking him.everything he do just keep me reminding him.are sunny is just a replacement of him?i dont know.everything cant get back as normal like last month.just can be a normal friend like we used to be when at club.can you fall for me again?the days of letting you go are hard to me.changing myself from one day to one day

MAY

this month i felt so suck.bad luck never get off from me.many things happened and i feel shit.i argue with him and now.he is avoiding me.what now?sigh.the first week i have been argued with him.same with the following weeks.and then.i lost my new phone.just bought not enough one month.i dropped it.the same day,i found out he flirt with a girl.she told me.the next thing was my facebook account and msn gave someone hacked.damn.i dont know guy or girl la.but it said hate me.am i an irritating person?and yesterday.he fetch a girl to club.i dont like it.but he still fetching her with the reason of "PROMISE".fine.and now i felt that he is avoiding me.

he promised me.he wont flirt other girls again.but will he?i dont know.i believe in him.i trust him.because i love him.he dont want to couple.i respect him.one day he says to me:"i put my family at the first place,friends second and girlfriend the last". but.yesterday.i asked him to fetch me.he said.cannot cause need to fetch that girl.i very angry.i cried.i told him i dont like.he rather fetch her also dont fetch me.friend more important than me?but.she is a girl.please.i know we re not together.perhaps,u should care about my feeling too.everyone persued me.please let it go.im letting.it's hard.i can see him online at fb.but i cant see him on his msn.what does it means?he really dint open it or blocked me? haha.i found a joke.that girl says to me.he not the first time fetch her back home.its really funny.sigh.i dont know la.fan jin.please god.get me out of here!i feel like dying.the girl told me she starting to like him.will them wont have any relation after i went to kampar?can u bet?

anyway,i hurt someone.someone thats really treat me good with all his heart.i accepted him.at first,i want to forget the other one and together with him.but the feeling just weird.not the same.finally.i broke up with him.because my guilty become more and more.i need sometimes.perhaps,i will accept him back someday.